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Psychology

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Your Framing Changes the World

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The way we frame things mentally determines how powerfully we’ll be able to handle them.

I auditioned for Spamalot at a local theater last night. After checking in, they informed me that I was in the very last audition slot. That gave me the “opportunity” to listen to my competition as they sang their audition songs. One by one. While I waited with growing trepidation on the cold, unforgiving wooden bench outside. Trying very hard to smile. (It was an acting audition, after all.)

Each person came out complaining apologetically. “When I performed that aria at Madison Square Garden, I hit the high C with so much more resonance.” Or, “gosh, I forgot all the words, so I just improvised new, rhyming lyrics riffing off of a 13th century Olde English translation of the Song of Solomon.” By the time it was my turn, I was a nervous wreck.

But then, some part of my brain found The Answer. As I stepped through the curtains into the auditorium, the thought came to me: “Forget auditioning. Perform. You have two awesome minutes on stage. Give the audience your absolute best!”

One Thought Changes Everything

Suddenly my attitude changed completely. When it’s time to step on stage, there’s no time for practice or judgment. It’s commitment time. By framing this as a performance, rather than an audition, my nerves vanished. I was suddenly alert and happy (I love performing, after all).

I walked confidently to the pianist, gave him my sheet music, and proceeded to sing my song confidently, dramatically, and with full attention on the small audience that just happened to be the directoral staff for the show.

Nothing about the situation changed except my thinking. An “audition” was scary. A “performance” was exhilarating. The right thinking led to a mental and physical state that let me give my all. Last time, I “auditioned,” was a nervous wreck, and didn’t get the part. This time, I “performed,” gave it my all, and had a great time. My all still may not be good enough to get the part, but at least I had fun performing, which I love.

I tried this again during the dance audition. We got to dance twice. The first time, I was a total wreck. You’ve heard of two left feet? I have seven left feet. And they’re all superglued together. It isn’t pretty. But right before the second dance, I thought to myself, “this is performance, not audition! You may suck, but give the audience the best you have to give.” With that change of attitude, I remembered the entire routine and made it through with all the grace and artistry I could bring to the combination.

We Can Choose Our Frames

How you think about situations before you deal with them will affect the options you find, the actions you’ll take, and how resourceful your mental state will be when you start to deal with them.

Next time you find yourself nervous, sad, angry, apprehensive, or anxious, try a new framing.

If you’re going in to a “critical negotiation,” try a “new, mutually profitable relationship” instead. You’ll stop concentrating on the risk and instead you’ll start finding ways you can both benefit from the relationship.

If you’re on a “failing project,” start thinking about “a chance to rescue something good.” You just may find a way to use what you’ve learned and built in a new way that makes the project successful.

If you’re dealing with an “obnoxious, unreasonable person,” try connecting with “a good-hearted person who has really poor social skills.” Seriously. You’ll find your attitude changes.

Try explicitly reframing stressful situations. Are you fooling yourself? Maybe. But maybe you’ll fool yourself right into finding better, more resourceful ways to handle your challenges.

Don’t be a victim in or out of the workplace.

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I have said many times in my podcast and out of it that if you can take some measure of internal ownership for bad things that happen in your life—even ownership of very small parts of the situation—it can lead to a feeling of deep control and responsibility in your life. It sounds counter-intuitive, but if you can say, “I chose to live in that flood zone, and I can choose to rebuild there or somewhere else,” you’ll actually feel less of a victim of your flooded home.

Try it!

  1. Think of a situation where you felt victimized: Today, the checkout clerk was moving in slow motion, ruining my life.

  2. Find (a) one thing you did that you could have not done, (b) one thing you didn’t do that you could have, (c) one interpretation you had that might have been wrong>

  3. Now describe the situation to yourself in terms of those answers: Today, the checkout clerk was moving slowly, which I (c) interpreted as incompetence (rather than, say, physical disability or a slow computer). I could have (a) decided not to buy the product just then, or (b) left the store without buying anything, or offered to help with the register.

Whether or not your behavior changes in the future, re-telling your narrative in terms of your contribution to the situation will often leave you feeling much more centered and in control.

Engaged employees perform best.

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Gallup Organization has been looking at employee engagement for many years. They’ve famously found that only a small percentage of our workforce is actively engaged at their jobs. Often, company discussions about people policies center around employee well-being as an underlying principle driving HR policies. Wellbeing refers to perqs like vacation time, flextime, and so on.

I just read this Gallup research summary that asks: Should a company put effort into employee wellbeing policies, or into employment engagement policies? It turns out to be easy to answer: the greatest driver of wellbeing is employee engagement, not perqs. The research shows that engaged employees perform far better than non-engaged employees, even if those non-engaged employees are given a lot of workplace perqs (e.g. more vacation time, etc.).

Also interesting, though not mentioned in the conclusion, is that flextime is also tremendously important. Having engaged employees and giving them flextime gives the greatest boost to wellbeing.

I know when I’m engaged, my whole life seems better. Next time you’re wondering how to improve workplace morale, instead ask how you can help improve engagement. That answer might change your entire culture.

An apology: 8 Secrets of Success

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In my post about Richard St. John’s TED talk, I critiqued his research methodology and spent the entire post pointing out flaws. I was wrong. He has since contacted me and pointed out that my assumptions about his research were incorrect. Indeed, he did his research correctly. I did not do mine correctly.

If you check out the post on Eight Secrets of Success, my points still hold for a significant amount of the success literature out there in the world. But not Richard’s. His research was solid and I apologize sincerely for assuming otherwise.

Perhaps we’ve found a ninth law of success: research!

How do you find real community in a wired world?

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I really enjoyed Marina Keegan’s article “The Opposite of Loneliness.” The word I’d use as the opposite of loneliness is “community.” Community has been shown to be an important part of a happy, fulfilling life. Of course, there’s no economic model attached to community, so not only do we not manage it, we disregard it in our calculations and decisions.

It’s something I’ve thought a lot about the last 5-10 years, as it’s become apparent to me that the grown-up world we’ve created doesn’t provide much opportunity for it. Any sense of “we’re in this together” that may have existed in America seems to be long gone. The prevailing question seems to have become “How can I get mine and avoid giving any of it to anyone else?” Of course, if you feel like you’re in a community, getting yours becomes much less important, since you feel like someone’s there to help if you really need it.

The very things that we call “progress” are, I believe, a big part of the problem. Easy transportation and telecomm have made it easier ad easier for us to isolate ourselves in suburbs, with our work lives being played out far away, with people who don’t share our interests, who don’t like us, and who don’t live near us. Seeing someone once a month at a planned dinner out for two hours becomes the new definition of “friendship” (second only to the definition of friendship that involves reading someone’s status updates on social media).

If you have hobbies or interests that naturally lend themselves to seeing others (e.g. team sports), that can be a source of connection. But even there, it’s not clear to me that it’s the kind of connection Keegan is talking about in her article. I recall the feeling she’s discussing, and indeed, college is the last time I felt it.

For all you post-college folk out there, please share! How do YOU find community in your life?

Perfectionism. Sucks.

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How much of your life is controlled by perfectionism? Every time I think I have finally reached a balance, I manage to put myself in a situation where nothing less than perfect will satisfy me.

Last week and this I have been holding myself to impossibly high standards for a client engagement, 2 shows, a TEDx talk, and an audition for a summer musical theater program. I worked my butt off for the client engagement and believe it went well (awaiting evaluations still). But for the others, I have no standard for “good enough,” so I’m holding myself to impossibly high standards. The resulting stress is wasting mental resources that could be going into preparing as best I can for everything.

The problem isn’t the perfectionism. The problem is the stress caused when I don’t reach my standards. The stress doesn’t come from the activities themselves–I’ve done well in shows before, and I’ve given great speeches before—but from the beliefs that are surfacing around them: “I have to do it perfectly.” “Everyone’s counting on me.” “I should be able to do better than this.” and “This is the most important presentation ever.”

These are just thoughts, however. They may or may not be true. When I don’t think them, in lower-stakes situations, I’m fine. I step up, perform to the best of my ability, and learn to do even better next time. When I get wrapped up in the thinking, though, it becomes a stress-fest. Even if the thoughts are true, the stress does nothing but get in the way of doing my best.

My solution is to stop working on my performance for the next half hour and instead work on reducing the intensity of my beliefs. When my mental landscape is calm and clear, I can apply myself fully to doing the best possible job at my current skill level.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

(And any of your ideas on how to deal with perfectionism and perfectionist-thinking would be greatly appreciated!)

Meritocracy: A Fine, But Mythological, Idea

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I love the idea of a meritocracy! It’s a glorious myth that makes a wonderful story. But if you look at how resources, wealth, prestige, etc. get distributed, it’s very hard to make a case for meritocracy.

It’s no surprise we believe in meritocracy. We spend our entire first 18-25 conscious years in school. School is a true meritocracy. The more you work at mastering the material, the more you earn good grades. I don’t know about you, but school was the last meritocracy I had the privilege to enjoy.

At my very first job out of college, I was told, “You do the best job of anyone here, but you’re too young to be making any more money.” Sadly, I persisted in thinking that doing a good job was the way to get what I wanted out of life. I still think that way in my gut, even though I continue to see little evidence of it.

Many very successful people talk a lot about meritocracy and how they just worked hard to succeed. That’s all fine and good, but they’re looking at only their own story. They’re not looking at the vast majority of people in the world who work very, very hard, and don’t get rewarded nearly as well. I’ve also noticed that the people who are highly successful/rewarded/prestigious have a tremendously powerful psychological vested interest in believing in and trumpeting the idea of meritocracy. Otherwise they would have to confront the idea that maybe they don’t deserve all that money/power/fame, and it simply came to them because they were born to the right parents, or were in the right place at the right time.

In capitalism, we give the bulk of the value created by an enterprise to the owners. It’s far better to own 50% of the equity in a successful company that you left 6 months after founding it than to work your ass off for 12 years making that same company a success, but working on salary. What matters as far as material reward isn’t the work/merit, but the capital and ownership structure. (That’s a true story, by the way. The company founder never worked again. The employees, while doing reasonably well, are still working at the same or other companies to earn their daily bread.)

If you want to do a good job, by all means, do it. Personally, I like to be proud of my work, and I strive to do the very best. But don’t confuse that with getting what you want. When you’re designing your life, remember that producing good work may be something you do for the psychic and self-esteem rewards. When you’re going after other rewards, say, money, be as clear-headed as you can about what will help you reach that result. Hard work and skill may not have anything to do with living the kind of life you want.

Income Inquality

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I just watched this TED talk on income inequality. It speaks for itself. Very powerful result. On a whole host of general measurements of social well-being, it is income inequality, not average levels of income that drive social problems. Wow. This has huge public policy implications, which I suspect will go largely unheeded in a society where many politicians are little more than hired representatives of anonymous rich people. (Thank you, Supreme Court, for ratifying the existence of the Super-PAC.)

What is dark matter, anyway?

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Last week, I suggested that we could use dark matter to organize our own cult and meet angels. I was joking. But it got me thinking… what is dark matter, anyway?

I’ve long held that human beings ignore a fundamental truth about how we perceive the world: we do it through our five senses. Our senses let us measure certain frequencies of light (vision), certain chemical reactions (smell, taste), speed of molecules (temperature), pressure (touch), and certain frequencies of air vibrations (hearing). That’s it. We developed physics by explaining what we experience with those senses. We expanded physics by expanding our senses with technology; we invested telescopes that let us see farther. While those technologies expanded our senses, they still measured pretty much the same phenomenon.

Humans are Like Frogs, Minus the Warts

But there’s nothing that says that those are the only phenomena that exist. Frogs, for example, can only see motion. They don’t see stationery objects. To a frog, an object appears when it’s moving and vanishes when it’s not. A frog would create a concept of physics that wouldn’t include stationery objects. A bug could be sitting right in front of a frog, and the frog wouldn’t know about it, as long as the bug stands still. This sucks for the frog, though it’s pretty awesome for the bug.

Maybe humans are frogs. Well, not totally, but mostly. Maybe there are phenomena that we simply don’t have the sensory apparatus to detect. Let’s call one of these “oobleck.” We’ve never built oobleck-detecting machines because we can’t even sense oobleck, so we don’t have any idea that oobleck exists, or what kind of machine might detect it.

Math Saves the Day!

Fortunately, we have math. Calculus and other sophisticated math was originally invented to help Newton with his work on physics and Leibniz with his work on intellectual property law1. The neat thing about math is that math can be used to produce a model of something we know about. For example, you can use math to create a model of how to tie a necktie. The math can then be used to extrapolate that model into realms it didn’t original model. Just a few years ago, math hypothesized the existence of many new necktie knots (85 total), which was then verified by actually tying them. The Pratt is my favorite.

Sometimes, math extrapolates things that don’t seem to make any sense. For example, you can use math to describe creating a funnel that has finite volume and infinite surface area. We tried very hard to make such a funnel in college, but were never able to create the physical object. We had to use a traditional funnel instead.

What’s happened in physics is that the math didn’t quite work. So they added a fudge factor and called it “dark matter.” I’m sure it began as one of those late night ideas you come up with after you have that party involving funnels. Physicists are always plugging in fudge factors and giving them cool names. Einstein came up with a fudge factor that he called “the cosmological constant.” Is that a cool name, or what?

But the reason physicists call themselves scientists is that once they recover from their hangovers, they go observe the universe and find out whether it matches what the math said it should match. If it matches, it means the math may have detected something that our senses couldn’t detect on our own. If we can figure out enough about how this strange thing behaves, we might be able to build machines to detect it. It would be like giving a frog an implant to detect bugs that are standing still. The frog still couldn’t directly see a stationery bug, but the technology could extend its senses in a way that would give it easy access to dinner. This sucks for the bug, though it’s pretty awesome for the frog.

Thus, dark matter.

I think dark matter is really neat. I think it could be the human equivalent of a stationery bug. Sure, it might be merely a place where our current understanding of the universe isn’t complete. Maybe it just means we got our equations wrong. But maybe it’s more. Much more. It could be a signpost into an entire realm of physical phenomena that our senses weren’t built to detect. It seems bizarre, incomprehensible, and magical to us, but it could result in a complete change in our understanding of reality. And who knows where it might lead? It’s a great, unexplored frontier. We just might find out we’re frogs, about to discover there’s such a thing as a bug that’s standing still. If that happens, there will be great rejoicing, and we’ll feast like frogs2!

It’s just a thought.

1 This is a joke. If you don’t get it, Google until you do.

2 Notice how optimistically I’ve skipped over the scenario where we discover that dark matter is the frog and we’re the stationery fly? I’ve been working on improving my optimistic outlook. I think it’s working.

You have to want to succeed as much as you want to breathe. Really?

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I just saw this video, shared on Google+:

“When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you’ll be successful.”

How Bad Do You Want It from Greyskale Multimedia on Vimeo.

The sentiment is common: in order to succeed, you have to want it so bad you burst a blood vessel. The only problem with this sentiment is that I don’t know that there’s any truth to it. Maybe it’s true in weight lifting (I’d like to see the study), but I’m not aware of psychological research or motivation research that supports it. While it’s true if you want something badly, you’ll go after it, it’s also true that too much urgency shuts down creativity, problem-solving ability, and even perception. There are plenty of domains where it’s possible to succeed without that kind of motivation1.

There’s a similar zen fable about enlightenment. The story ends differently. The student goes to the zen master and says, “Master, how long will it take me to become enlightened?” “Ten years,” replied the master. “What if I work at every day of the year, every waking hour, and try harder than I’ve ever tried before?” “Then, it will take a lifetime.”

I think we do ourselves a disservice in looking only at the “work unbelievably hard and you’ll succeed” situations in life.

There are plenty of successful people who are motivated by peace, serenity, and joy. And yet they still seize opportunity, they still do work, and they still get what they want out of life. But they don’t have to force themselves into an asthma attack to get there.

There are plenty of people sitting on their asses doing nothing. I agree that asthma-attack motivation is better than nothing for those folks. But it would be nice to put the last few decades’ research into the psychology of achievement into practice and teach people to achieve without needing this stress-filled style.

There are plenty kinds of achievement that are motivated the other way. Do yourself a favor and find one of them. Train hard, keep your eye on your goal, but don’t give yourself a heart attack in the process.

1 Forbes recently did a study of the Forbes 400 and discovered that half of those folks inherited their money. I would submit that those folks reached positions of success without the kind of unbelievable franticness we see in this video.